Jack Mullaly (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} medrawt) wrote,@ 2003-05-11 15:30:00 |
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Not happy
I've decided not to go to Europe after all. It hasn't made anyone involved happy, me least of all - but I had no choice. All the attendant stress has already made me ill, it's been ruined before it happened - mostly by Mum. I'm not feeling terribly charitable towards her at the moment, but at least she seems to have finally worked out that I don't want to talk to her.
Bills are crushing me at the moment, I had a fire in the kitchen last week that wasn't a lot of fun, all sorts of things are going wrong. I'm losing my normal phenomenal tolerance for the BS I have to cop on IRC. Oddly enough though, when I can just live in the moment - take a walk on a crisp clear bright-starred night as I did last night - I feel happy enough. Until I remember again.
On Easter Sunday I found out something I've long suspected - my sister and brother-in-law moved from Sydney to get away from Mum. He gave me a lift home and told me; he even turned down a good job in Sydney so they could do it. So that's both my siblings were smart enough and able to get away from her, and I'm the patsy. I feel so stupid. Then they have the nerve to get mad at me when I blew her up for one of her usual tricks. I feel so angry. Of course they never talked back or stood up to her - I'm the only one in the whole damn family who's ever done that. Maybe that's why she feels she can dismiss what I say - no-one else has the guts to tell her. The only thing to do is get away and I don't see how I can do that - despite it all, despite how much I hate her, I find it hard to be mean to her. When I am it's because she pushes me too far and I lose my temper; no-one else can do that to me the way she does, she seems to know instinctively what buttons to push.
Argh! Enough ranting on that, it only makes me feel worse. It's a beautiful day here, I might go for a walk soon ... or when it gets dark, it'll probably be another beautiful night.
I've decided not to go to Europe after all. It hasn't made anyone involved happy, me least of all - but I had no choice. All the attendant stress has already made me ill, it's been ruined before it happened - mostly by Mum. I'm not feeling terribly charitable towards her at the moment, but at least she seems to have finally worked out that I don't want to talk to her.
Bills are crushing me at the moment, I had a fire in the kitchen last week that wasn't a lot of fun, all sorts of things are going wrong. I'm losing my normal phenomenal tolerance for the BS I have to cop on IRC. Oddly enough though, when I can just live in the moment - take a walk on a crisp clear bright-starred night as I did last night - I feel happy enough. Until I remember again.
On Easter Sunday I found out something I've long suspected - my sister and brother-in-law moved from Sydney to get away from Mum. He gave me a lift home and told me; he even turned down a good job in Sydney so they could do it. So that's both my siblings were smart enough and able to get away from her, and I'm the patsy. I feel so stupid. Then they have the nerve to get mad at me when I blew her up for one of her usual tricks. I feel so angry. Of course they never talked back or stood up to her - I'm the only one in the whole damn family who's ever done that. Maybe that's why she feels she can dismiss what I say - no-one else has the guts to tell her. The only thing to do is get away and I don't see how I can do that - despite it all, despite how much I hate her, I find it hard to be mean to her. When I am it's because she pushes me too far and I lose my temper; no-one else can do that to me the way she does, she seems to know instinctively what buttons to push.
Argh! Enough ranting on that, it only makes me feel worse. It's a beautiful day here, I might go for a walk soon ... or when it gets dark, it'll probably be another beautiful night.
