Jack Mullaly (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} medrawt) wrote,@ 2003-04-02 05:16:00 |
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This is very raw. Enter at you're own risk.
Unedited journal entries from last week. Very raw, very harsh.
.LOG
5:52 PM 26/03/03
It's Wenesday and I've been in Canberra with Mum since Sunday. I hate her. I want her dead. There is no way I can travel with her. Why did Dad have to marry such a fucking retard of a woman? She drives me insane. This morning I just walked out of the house, I couldn't handle it. I have severe hangovers every damn morning from my pills and there was Mum being a cretin at me. It happens constantly and it always has and it's more than I can bear.
So how on earth can I go to Europe with her with this going on? I can't see a way to do it. I could ask her to go easy on me in the mornings but I'd have to tell her every fucking day because she never listens to anyone at all. And that would drive me even more insane.
Elizabeth is turning into a worse version of her father. Not only is she arrogant and superior, she's a brat. She's got no looks or particular brains going for her, so I guess she'll be a mediocrity like her Dad is and her Mum was. Of course she'll be a mediocrity with a chance to succeed, unlike me and again like her parents. I envy her.
I don't envy Mum much. Luckily for her sho's so self-centred she never notices how embarassingly stupid she is. I do though, as does anyone who comes in contact with her. Why, oh why did Dad marry this pathetic and inferior excuse for a human? Even though all the things that have made my life a misery came from Dad and not Mum, I'd give anything for a mother with more intelligence than it takes to tie her own shoelaces.
I want more than anything else (accept maybe a cure) to go to Europe later in the year. I don't give a rat's about Stevie's wedding - except to feel sorry for Rachel - but I want to see Turkey, Idil, Split, Hadrian's Wall and some of the otehr Roman sites in Britain. But HOW can I do it if I have to go with this woman?!? I can't walk out on her in a foreign country. She will annoy me with her crass stupidity and general obnoxiousness many times every day, as sure as the sun rises. How can I stand travelling with her? I've been trying to work this out all day and I can't see a way. Help!!!
Lizzy wants the computer now and I've nothing but gloom and vitriol here.
12:23 AM 27/03/03
We're going home today. If I can survive 4 hours in the car with that woman I'm free again. It doesn't seem to matter what my mood or state of mind is, I can never ever stand her. I've never been able to. Sometimes I can tolerate her better than other times - that's the best I can say. And the only way I even do that is by biting my tongue.
Sitting under a tree this morning, smoking, I almost cried. (Yes I bought a pack of smokes - I left in such a hurry I hadn't put on a nicotine patch and I was furious, tense, shaking ... it was not good.) I could see my dream of seeing Europe faling apart in front of my eyes.
I know I'm shaking her confidence and self-esteem. I know she has no-one left to boost it now that Dad and Cathy are dead. Stevie is in England as much to get away from Mum as for any other reason. Though why they ever built up her house of cards when they knew as well as I do what a sham she is, I'll never know. Re-inforcing her in her ignorance for so long makes it impossible to break through now. Sometimes I'm tempted to just keep battering away until I destroy her. Break her will and her health, kill her in effect. Then I'd inherit some money and be able to have a comfortable life for at least a little while until I kill myself. There is no longer any doubt in my mind I will die by my own hand. Of course a more effective way to destroy her would be to kill myself first ... and that's very very likely. But where's the fun in that?
I feel evil coming over me with thoughts such as these. I could rationalise it and say I'm not well - and undoubtedly it's the truth - but my warped sense of personal responsibilty won't let me do that. I'm evil, not sick. I can't apply to myself the same standards I want others to apply to me. But I truly believe that the evil and the illness are intertwined. The MDP - more specifically, the things I've done when ill - has progressively eroded my morals until I AM an evil person. What can I do about it? I've no idea. There is no cure, there is no effective treatment.
I loathe my brother. I loathe him for all the reasons I've always loathed him - for being weak and pathetic and just generally ... I don't know what the word is. I loathe him more for leaving me to deal with this monstrous woman alone. It's very easy for him to talk to her on the phone from the other side of the world. He can hang up and forget about her and continue enjoying himself. I can't. Thank God I don't live with the monster.
Unedited journal entries from last week. Very raw, very harsh.
.LOG
5:52 PM 26/03/03
It's Wenesday and I've been in Canberra with Mum since Sunday. I hate her. I want her dead. There is no way I can travel with her. Why did Dad have to marry such a fucking retard of a woman? She drives me insane. This morning I just walked out of the house, I couldn't handle it. I have severe hangovers every damn morning from my pills and there was Mum being a cretin at me. It happens constantly and it always has and it's more than I can bear.
So how on earth can I go to Europe with her with this going on? I can't see a way to do it. I could ask her to go easy on me in the mornings but I'd have to tell her every fucking day because she never listens to anyone at all. And that would drive me even more insane.
Elizabeth is turning into a worse version of her father. Not only is she arrogant and superior, she's a brat. She's got no looks or particular brains going for her, so I guess she'll be a mediocrity like her Dad is and her Mum was. Of course she'll be a mediocrity with a chance to succeed, unlike me and again like her parents. I envy her.
I don't envy Mum much. Luckily for her sho's so self-centred she never notices how embarassingly stupid she is. I do though, as does anyone who comes in contact with her. Why, oh why did Dad marry this pathetic and inferior excuse for a human? Even though all the things that have made my life a misery came from Dad and not Mum, I'd give anything for a mother with more intelligence than it takes to tie her own shoelaces.
I want more than anything else (accept maybe a cure) to go to Europe later in the year. I don't give a rat's about Stevie's wedding - except to feel sorry for Rachel - but I want to see Turkey, Idil, Split, Hadrian's Wall and some of the otehr Roman sites in Britain. But HOW can I do it if I have to go with this woman?!? I can't walk out on her in a foreign country. She will annoy me with her crass stupidity and general obnoxiousness many times every day, as sure as the sun rises. How can I stand travelling with her? I've been trying to work this out all day and I can't see a way. Help!!!
Lizzy wants the computer now and I've nothing but gloom and vitriol here.
12:23 AM 27/03/03
We're going home today. If I can survive 4 hours in the car with that woman I'm free again. It doesn't seem to matter what my mood or state of mind is, I can never ever stand her. I've never been able to. Sometimes I can tolerate her better than other times - that's the best I can say. And the only way I even do that is by biting my tongue.
Sitting under a tree this morning, smoking, I almost cried. (Yes I bought a pack of smokes - I left in such a hurry I hadn't put on a nicotine patch and I was furious, tense, shaking ... it was not good.) I could see my dream of seeing Europe faling apart in front of my eyes.
I know I'm shaking her confidence and self-esteem. I know she has no-one left to boost it now that Dad and Cathy are dead. Stevie is in England as much to get away from Mum as for any other reason. Though why they ever built up her house of cards when they knew as well as I do what a sham she is, I'll never know. Re-inforcing her in her ignorance for so long makes it impossible to break through now. Sometimes I'm tempted to just keep battering away until I destroy her. Break her will and her health, kill her in effect. Then I'd inherit some money and be able to have a comfortable life for at least a little while until I kill myself. There is no longer any doubt in my mind I will die by my own hand. Of course a more effective way to destroy her would be to kill myself first ... and that's very very likely. But where's the fun in that?
I feel evil coming over me with thoughts such as these. I could rationalise it and say I'm not well - and undoubtedly it's the truth - but my warped sense of personal responsibilty won't let me do that. I'm evil, not sick. I can't apply to myself the same standards I want others to apply to me. But I truly believe that the evil and the illness are intertwined. The MDP - more specifically, the things I've done when ill - has progressively eroded my morals until I AM an evil person. What can I do about it? I've no idea. There is no cure, there is no effective treatment.
I loathe my brother. I loathe him for all the reasons I've always loathed him - for being weak and pathetic and just generally ... I don't know what the word is. I loathe him more for leaving me to deal with this monstrous woman alone. It's very easy for him to talk to her on the phone from the other side of the world. He can hang up and forget about her and continue enjoying himself. I can't. Thank God I don't live with the monster.
